growing up.

I am one of those people who thought for sure I would have my life figured out from the moment I crossed the stage in May. I thought graduation was the marker of the beginning of real life, and the beginning of a time where I would be free to do what I wanted. I thought that having a degree would land me my dream job, instead I didn’t get the job because I still had a month of school left, and that made me a liability so they didn’t even want to meet me.

I thought that by working hard in college (taking a leadership role in sorority, joining two honor societies, and a club for my major, along with graduating with honors) would set me a part from the classmates that were graduating with me.

But now, just less than three months later, I just feel confused about what comes next. Clearly the whole settling down, getting married and having babies is not in the cards for me, like it is for more and more people my age. I don’t even know at what point I am going to want those things, but all I know is that is all off in a faraway land. I still sometimes feel like a kid myself.

I just sit at work everyday, contemplating what my next move is. Do I stay in Sacramento and try to get into grad school to continue my education, and maybe study abroad? Or do I try to find an internship or opportunity to do something abroad? The only theme in all of my thoughts is traveling, and I need to figure out what I want.

I’m struck with the desire to soak in culture that is unfamiliar to me, and to just live in a state of shock for a while, but I’m anchored by the fact that my family is the most important thing to me, and leaving them (even temporarily) really scares the living daylights out of me. How can I want two things so completely at the same time?

I just thought growing up and graduating would make everything that I was going to do after clear as day, but instead the endless opportunities are making my head spin and keeping me up at night. I know that I can’t be the only one that feels this way, and that it is probably a lot more common than I think.

Here is a quote from a TV show that really sums up the exact way that I have been feeling for the past three months –

“It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re 17 and playing for some day and then quietly and without you ever really noticing, some day is today. And then some day is yesterday and this is your life.” – Nathan Scott, One Tree Hill

-earthtocassie

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2 thoughts on “growing up.

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